Dear wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've
been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last
straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had
cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate
in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You
don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects
us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me
anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me.. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia
together! Have a great life!
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Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far
cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they
drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to
mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything
if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite
meal, you must have gotten me conf used with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork
7 years ago! About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my
sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I
hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to
Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I
guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the
letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S.. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
Carl..
I hope that's not a problem.
Imagine the following:
You have just made it through your wedding ceremony and have stepped out on the front steps of the church. The photographer raises his camera. Following a family tradition, both of you hold white doves which you will release together..
You and your new bride stand shoulder to shoulder with a dove in your hands as your friends and family eagerly wait. The photographer gives the signal and you and your bride open your hands toward the sky. Not a dry eye anywhere, the camera flashes; the moment is saved for eternity...
Wouldn't ya just DIE ??? And you thought the doves were going to poop, didn't you?
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Carol is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Carol surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Carol . 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...''Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
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How cool is this?????????????????????
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