Australian Tourism Questions


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)


Q: Does it ever get windy in  Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (  UK  )
A
:  We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (  USA )  
A
:  Depends how much you've been drinking.  

Q: I want to walk from  Perth to  Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (  Sweden  )
A
: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane,  Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ?  (  UK )  
A
: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (  USA )
A
: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
.. oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in  Australia ? (  USA  )
A
: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into  Australia ? ( UK )
A
: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...

Q: Can you send me the  Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)  
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in  Australia ? (  UK  )
A
: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A
: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)    
A
: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (  USA  )
A
: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in  Australia ? ( USA )
A
: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (    Italy )
A
: Yes, gay night clubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in  Australia ? (  France )  
A
: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (  USA )
A
: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.  

Mummy is a Pole Dancer!

This one is apparently a true story.  
Please read note to teacher at the bottom!

                 
For homework, a class in NSW were asked to draw their parents at work.
This is Jessica
's drawing:

Image001

Here's the letter the teacher received the next day:

Dear Mrs. Jackson,

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic pole dancer.  
I work at Bunnings and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week after the floods hit.  
I told her we sold out every single shovel we had and then I found one more in stock and several people were fighting over who would get it.    
Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole.  It's supposed to depict me selling the last shovel we had in the store.
From now on I will remember to check her homework  before she hands it in.

Sincerely,
Erica Cameron