Flying Lessons

 My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Hamilton because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was really lucky.

Image001

How fights start

How fights start

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.......


************************************************************************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said...
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....


************************************************************************


 My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....


************************************************************************


 I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......


*********************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant... The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first..
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....


************************************************************************

My wife sat down on the couch  next to me as I was flipping
the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight  started...


======================================================================


 My wife was hinting about what she  wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from  0 to
200 in about 3  seconds.'
I bought her a  scale.
And then the  fight started...


====================================================================


 My wife and I were sitting at a  table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady  swigging her  drink as
she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know  her?'
'Yes,' I sighed,  'She's my old girlfriend...
I understand she took to drinking right after we  split up those many years ago, and
I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would  think a
person could go  on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...


===========================================================


 I rear-ended a car this morning..  So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver  got out of his car. You know
how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and  little things just seem
funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a  DWARF!!!
He stormed over  to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then  which one are you?'
And  then the fight started...


============================================================================

When our lawn mower broke and  wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it  fixed.
But, somehow I  always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf  '
Always something more  important to me.
Finally  she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her  seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing  scissors.
I watched  silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came  out again I handed
her a  toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the  driveway.'
The doctors  say I will walk again, but I will always have a  limp.

in the garden

 

 

This one really bought a tear to my eye....  very moving.  
 
 
 

Att00000

A  father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.  

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.  

Att00001

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy  of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear.. Both of them are  Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and  stomped them flat.

'Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden,' she said.