Financial Crisis - This is just about what happened....

In an attempt to explain what happened to cause the current financial crisis in language we can all understand, I happened upon this gem..

 

Linda is the proprietor of a bar in Cork. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

 

Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Linda's bar. Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Linda increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.

 

A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Linda's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.

 

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS.  These securities are then traded on markets worldwide.

 

No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed.  Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.

 

One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager of the bank decides that the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Linda's bar (he was, of course, subsequently fired due to his negativity).

 

However , the drinkers cannot pay their debts. Linda cannot fulfil her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.

 

DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %.

PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %.

 

The suppliers of Linda's bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation.

 

Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.

The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties (and vested interests).

The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers.

 

 Finally an explanation I understand...

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

 this is pretty funny when you think about it.....

 

 

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 This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically. 

 

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' 

 

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?' 

 

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be f**ked!! A talking pig!' 

 

The teacher had to leave the room 

 

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Letter to Bank

86-year old lady's letter to bank
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to  honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight  years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for  the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has  caused me to rethink my errant financial ways..
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the  impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and
hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must  nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application  Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me.

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in
case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for  the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I  wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client


Remember:

·         This was written by an 86 year old woman.

·         Don 't make old ladies mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set us off.