RANGI and WHETU

RANGI and WHETU of Hokitika. 

                                                                           
                                                                          

Honi died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
 

  
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Rangi and Whetu.
 

The three men had always done everything together... 

Rangi arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
 

Rangi said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.  You better roll him over.'
 

The mortician rolled him over and Rangi said, 'Nope, ain't Honi .'
 

The mortician thought this was rather strange. 

So he brought Whetu in to confirm the identity of the body.
 

Whetu looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
 

Roll him over.'
 

The mortician rolled him over and Whetu said, 'No, it ain't Honi '
 

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' 

Whetu said, 'Well, Honi had two assholes.'
 

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
 

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
 

'There's Honi with them two assholes.'

That would be right

God Said, Adam, I Want you to do  Something for me." 


 

 Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?" 


 

 God said, "Go down into that valley." 


 

 Adam said, "What's a valley?"


 

 God explained it to him.

 

 

 Then God said, "Cross the river."


 

 Adam said, "What's a river?" ! 


 

 God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."


 

 Adam said, "What is a hill?" 


 

 So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. 


 

 He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave" 


 

 Adam said, "What's a cave?"


 

 After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman." 


 

 Adam said, "What's a woman?" 


 

 So God explained that to him, too. 


 

 Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce." 


 

 Adam said, "How do I do that?"


 

 God first said (under his breath), "Oh dear....." ! 


 

 And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.


 

 So, Adam went down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. 


 

 Then, in about five minutes, he was back. 


 

 God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

 

 

 And Adam said 


 

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 "What's a headache?" 

Men are just happier people

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE ...

NICKNAMES

·                            If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

·                            If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING OUT 

·                            When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

·                            When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY 

·                            A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

·                            A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS 

·                            A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ..

·                            The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS 

·                            A woman has the last word in any argument.

·                            Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE 

·                            A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

·                            A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS 

·                            A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

·                            A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE 

·                            A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

·                            A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP 

·                            A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

·                            A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL 

·                            Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

·                            Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING 

·                            Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and   hopes and dreams.

·                            A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.