Testify in Court

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

 

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

 

F1 facts you may not know

 * An F1 car is made up of 80,000 components, if it were assembled 99.9% correctly, it would still start the race with 80 things wrong! 

 * When an F1 driver hits the brakes on his car he experiences retardation or deceleration comparable to a regular car driving through a BRICK wall at 300kmph!!! 

 

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* F1 car can go from 0 to 160 kph AND back to 0 in FOUR seconds!!!!!!! 

 

* F1 car engines last only for about 2 hours of racing mostly before blowing up on the other hand we expect our engines to last us for a decent 20yrs on an average and they quite faithfully DO....thats the extent to which the engines r pushed to perform.. 

 

 

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* An average F1 driver looses about 4kgs of weight after just one race due to the prolonged exposure to high G forces and temperatures for little over an hour (Yeah thats right!!!) 

 

* At 550kg a F1 car is less than half the weight of a Mini. 

 

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* To give you an idea of just how important aerodynamic design and added down force can be, small planes can take off at slower speeds than F1 cars travel on the track. 

 

* Without aerodynamic down force, high-performance racing cars have sufficient power to produce wheel spin and loss of control at 160 kph. They usually race at over 300 kph. 

 

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* In a street course race like the Monaco grand prix, the down force provides enough suction to lift manhole covers. Before the race all of the manhole covers on the streets have to be welded down to prevent this from happening! 

 

* The refuelers used in F1 can supply 12 liters of fuel per second. This means it would take just 4 seconds to fill the tank of an average 50 liter family car. They use the same refueling rigs used on US military helicopters today. 

 

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* TOP F1 pit crews can refuel and change tyres in around 3 seconds. It took me 8 sec to read above point 

 

* During the race the tyres lose weight! Each tyre loses about 0.5 kg in weight due to wear. 

 

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* Normal tyres last 60 000 - 100 000 km. Racing tyres are designed to last 90 - 120 km. 

 

* A dry-weather F1 tyre reaches peak operating performance (best grip) when tread temperature is between 900C and 1200C.(Water boils at 100C remember) At top speed, F1 tyres rotate 50 times a second. 

SHIT

HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE

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THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, its shit. that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

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You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

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Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

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You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
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You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

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Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

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You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

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When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........

Well, Shit Happens!!!

Wax

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax. Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully
in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit
out of the medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of
those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the
strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart
and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair
right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I
am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in
so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around
it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all
wayward body
hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side
of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching
down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) .

I inhale deeply and brace myself...RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and
spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I
hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. ..
I am touching wax !!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may
pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can
stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the
wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together, is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the
tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself
to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago
to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret
of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my
butt
and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but
she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where
the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and
she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While
we go
through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off
with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies
covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water
and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not
working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going
to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the
lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and ... OH
MY GAWD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the
dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!!

It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she
hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair...THE HAIR IS STILL HERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Aboriginal Joke

An Aboriginal  man in Alice Springs goes to the doctor with a problem - he just can't stop jogging or stand still !

'Hey white doctor" says the Blackman. "What ya think is makin' me run all over the place. It's to puckin' hot for dat shit."

The doctor says " It's got me beat but hey I might have a cure."

 The doctor puts two rows of white powder on his desk and tells the Abo to snort them.

The black man does as the doctor asks and immediately stops jogging up and down and stands dead still.  

'Puck me drunk it worked.  Is that cocaine?' he asks the doctor.

 
'No' the doctor replies.   'It's Omo washing powder - and its guaranteed to stop coloureds from running.' !!!

 

 

 

Got Computer problems?

'Hello, technical support, how can I help you'?

LADY: 'Last night my computer started making a lot of hissing noise at me so I shut it down. This morning when I turned it on the computer started hissing and cracking, then started smoking and a bad smell, then nothing'.

SUPPORT: 'I will have a technician come over first thing this morning, just leave the computer just like it is, so they can find the problem and fix it, or change it out with another computer. Give me your address; phone number and the technician will be there just as soon as they can'.

When the technician got there, the lady showed the technician where the computer was, said what happened to it; this is what the technician found wrong.


And you thought you had computer problems!!!

 

 See Pictures ......

  
  


'South African Spitting Cobra' - better known as 'Mfezi', the 'Staffie' of the African snake species!!
The technician told her: It must have been after the mouse! The woman didn't think it was very funny at all.  

 

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