NEW OFFICE POLICYDress Code:1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.Sick Days:
EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category.
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy. Lunch Break: * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
We haven't used this repairman since.
IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and
I went through the McDonald's drive thru window and I gave the teen a
$20 note. Our total was $10.50, so I also handed her fifty cents. She
said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way
you can just give me ten dollars back.' She sighed and went to get the
manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me
back the fifty cents, and said 'We're sorry but we can't do that kind
of thing.' The teen then proceeded to give me back $9.50 in change.
Do not confuse the teenagers at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a
semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local council
office to request the removal of the Kangaroo sign on our road. The
reason: 'Too many kangaroos are being hit by cars out here! I don't
think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter
went to a local Hungry Jack's and ordered a burger. She asked the
person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceberg lettuce.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the
airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has
anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I
replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled
knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight
on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing
with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew
what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when
the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind
people doing driving?!'
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an
individual who plugged her power board back into itself and for the
sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband
and I arrived at a dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys
had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a
mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I
watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle
and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the
technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'
STAY ALERT!
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China
is ready for the Olympics and the resulting influx of
English speaking tourists... Which is one step up from just lovely.. |