Budget Cuts

  DUE TO  BUDGET CUTS,
THIS IS YOUR NEW CUBICLE"
(See pics below)


EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008  

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.  

  
  

 
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category.
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

 

  Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management

(download)

Idiot Sightings

We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one B & D made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used this repairman since.  

 


IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's drive thru window and I gave the teen a $20 note. Our total was $10.50, so I also handed her fifty cents. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me ten dollars back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the fifty cents, and said 'We're sorry but we can't do that kind of thing.' The teen then proceeded to give me back $9.50 in change.
Do not confuse the teenagers at McD's.       

 

        
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local council office to request the removal of the Kangaroo sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many kangaroos are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' 

 


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Hungry Jack's and ordered a burger. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. 

 


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'  

 


IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that animal-in-the-headlights stare. 

 


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power board back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. 

 


IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at a dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'
STAY ALERT!  


They walk among us... And the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE

China welcomes westerners to Olympics

China  is ready for the Olympics and the resulting influx of English speaking tourists...

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Which is one step up from just lovely..




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But taste like cat



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Here, crippie, take my seat.



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Great with flied lice



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A seperate entrance for Hos....why didn't I think of that?




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Sounds better than canned water doesn't it?


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Go over there to die, please. Thank you.



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Good to know



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Not nice. Some of my best friends are liquor heads.



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Look up and down the aisle twice before proceeding...



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Much tastier that the grown up variety..


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It would be once you start chewing on it



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Starbucks should be very afraid!



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I wouldn't tickle this one


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Weird, because horsebeans sound delicious.


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Where every fashion aficionado in
China shops!!!


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I knew it!!



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What?



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If there's one thing we don't need help with...


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'See you after the flight,Uncle Randy!'


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Should be in front of half the hotels in town.

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So this is where they all end up