86-year
old lady's letter to bank
Shown
below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old
woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.
Dear
Sir:
I am writing to
thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my
plumber last month.
By
my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honor it.
I
refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way
of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My
thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways..
I
noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal
with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan
repayments will therefore and
hereafter no longer be automatic,
but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate.
Be
aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am
sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative.
Please
note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
must be accompanied by documented
proof.
In
due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with
me.
I
regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access
my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of
flattery.
Let
me level the playing field even further.
When
you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY
AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR
ENGLISH
#1.
To make an appointment to see me.
#2.
To query a missing payment.
#3.
To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
there.
#4.
To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping
#5.
To transfer the call to my toilet in
case I am attending to
nature.
#6.
To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at
home
#7.
To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to
that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8.
To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
7.
#9.
To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering
service.
#10.
This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on
occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for
the duration of the call.
Regrettably,
but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment
fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I
wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New
Year?
Your
Humble Client
Remember:
·
This
was written by an 86 year old woman.
·
Don
't make old ladies mad. We don't like being old in the first place,
so it doesn't take much to set us off.