Qantas

      In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a degree to fly a heavy jet plane but only an apprenticeship to fix one, but never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.   

         

      After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.   

      The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight. 

      Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.   

         

      By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.   

         

         

      P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.   

      S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.   

         

      P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.   

      S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.   

         

      P: Something loose in cockpit.   

      S: Something tightened in cockpit.   

         

      P: Dead bugs on windshield.   

      S: Live bugs on back-order.   

         

      P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.   

      S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.   

         

      P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.   

      S: Evidence removed.   

         

      P: DME volume unbelievably loud.   

      S: DME volume set to more believable level.   

         

      P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.   

      S: That's what friction locks are for.   

         

      P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.   

      S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.   

         

      P: Suspected crack in windshield.   

      S: Suspect you're right.   

         

      P: Number 3 engine missing.   

      S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.   

         

      P: Aircraft handles funny. 

      S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious..   

         

      P: Target radar hums.   

      S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.   

         

      P: Mouse in cockpit.   

      S: Cat installed.   

       

      And the best one for last..................     

       

      P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.   

      S: Took hammer away from midget.