Wax
easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax. Read on.........
My night
began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully
in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe
I should pull the waxing kit
out of the medicine
cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one
of
those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot
wax, you just rub the
strips together in your hand,
they get warm and you peel them apart
and press them
to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair
right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I
mean, I'm not a genius, but I
am mechanically
inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the
thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius
kicks in
so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to
1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!) I lay
the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around
it
tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it
wasn't too bad. I can do
this! Hair removal no
longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all
wayward body
hair and maker of
smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After
checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the
bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the
toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right
side
of my bikini line, covering the right half of
my hoo-ha and stretching
down to the inside of my
butt cheek (it was a long strip) .
I inhale deeply and brace myself...RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that
I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP!
Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and
spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay
conscious...must stay conscious. Do I
hear
crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my
trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to
revel in
the glory that is my triumph over body
hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still
perched on the toilet. I see
the hair. The hair that
should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. ..
I am touching wax !!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part
of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and
matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet?
I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot
down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin
walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My
head may
pop off!"
What can I do to melt the
wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I
can
stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the
wax-covered bits and the
wax should melt and I can
gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub
- the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I
sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions
glued
together, is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of
the
tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm
stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself
to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a
few months ago
to have a phone put in the
bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before
and has some secret
of how
to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my
butt
and hoo-ha are glued
together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't
know any secret tricks for
removal but
she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know
exactly where
the wax is located, "Are we talking
cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear
her. I give her the
rundown and
she suggests I call the number on the side of the
box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While
we go
through
various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off
with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie
goodies
covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the
tub in super hot water
and then dry-shaving the
sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not
working,
dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going
to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my
saving
grace....the
lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do
I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and ... OH
MY GAWD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the
dickens out of my friend. It's sooo
painful, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!!
It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and
she
hangs up.
I
successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief
and despair...THE HAIR IS STILL HERE.......ALL
OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......